Part Eleven: The Loss of Dignity Part

I know I said ten parts... this one got added along the way.

In the telling of my story, I noticed that I was leaving out all kinds of things that God had said to me. But, the fact of the matter was, I need to keep this a pleasantly readable length. As important as all the things God said to me that I didn't write, I think, are all the times I got it wrong. I never want to give the impression that this following God's voice thing is easy. This has been an incredibly embarrassing time for me.

Alex and I have tossed our whole life plan away, and trusted in an idea that God gave us, that we believe is a promise. This may seem like a very foolish thing to some. And I'll give those people some credit... things haven't always looked too good for us. However, when I look back on where we started, I see that I am not making this up.

Since we've put our whole life on the line, we have become desperate for God's voice. Which in all honesty, is a pretty awesome place to be... but very uncomfortable. I feel more comfortable believing that God has it all worked out, and is in control. But I hate not having the plans. I'm so tired of moving forward and watching the faith of everyone around me fade, when the things I believed, don't happen.

I mentioned that we were desperate for God's voice. Has anyone ever noticed that if you think you are hearing God, and you wait and do nothing, you don't hear anything again for a while? Alex and I became determined that we were going to move on every inkling and not lose any opportunity to get closer to God's voice. This is where most of the embarrassment comes in... Once I drove my car where God told me and talked to a complete stranger. That actually turned out great, but Alex could tell you, making myself do that is like cutting off my own arm. It so goes against my nature that it is physically painful. Another time I actually showed up at a funeral, laid hands on the body, and told it to get up. Nothing happened. That surprisingly was not the most embarrassing thing I've ever done. Until now, Alex was the only person who knew about it, no one at the funeral knew me, I don't think any of them heard me, and I was careful not to make eye contact with anyone as I was leaving.

These are the stories that are not as fun to tell, but I think they are important. Behind every success story, I believe there are about 10 stories of failure. I certainly do not want to give anyone the impression that I think I've got it all figured out, or having any special ability. I'm just a person who has decided that life is only worth living if God is as real and big and powerful as I believe him to be.

One of my favorite quotes of all time is by George MacDonald, saying that before judging anyone for not believing in God, you should first determine whether their idea of God is one who ought to be believed in. My idea of God is so huge and incredible, that the only proper response is to throw away everything in pursuit of him, not just in experiences of him, but to get in on whatever he is doing.

Part Ten: What Now?

So, after Alex didn't get the job, we kept thinking maybe it wouldn't work for Tony to work 2 full time jobs, and Alex might still get the job. We thought maybe Owens would put their foot down, or maybe Tony would get too tired.

In the time afterwards though, Alex's friend at work who didn't pray, came to turn his life around and seek God through Alex. So, we can't argue with God's timing too much. That was an incredible thing for Alex to be a part of, and given the choice, he would have happily delayed the Owens job just for that.

So, we are still waiting. We are not sure what God is doing, but we believe that he knows better than we do.  And God has certainly been active in our life. Even though our faith took a big hit, we have still been following God.

We have been following God to get the right house for us to live in. A year or so ago, we had felt God telling us it was time to get ready to move, and we did. Then we found our dream house for half its value. The details have come together for that in a miraculous way. That also, though, has been a battle that took way longer than we thought it would. But we finally moved in at the beginning of October.

Then we felt God telling us it was time for another baby. It was something we both had on our hearts, but we were afraid to have another child with Alex working 2 jobs still. We had wanted our kids to be fairly close in age, but I was scared. Having Eden was the hardest time of my life, and I had vowed that Alex would be more available the next time. We started praying about it, and came to the conclusion that we would quit preventing after we moved. I was praying about it a lot, asking God to show me that it was his timing and not mine. Well, in July we were delighted to learn that I was accidentally pregnant.

So, since I got pregnant, Alex got scheduled for mandatory overtime at work for the first time in years (actually, since the last time I was pregnant). We moved on a weekend that was inconvenient for everyone we knew. Alex is now working 70 hours a week. We have 2 broken cars, still no working oven or furnace, and Alex has been threatened with being fired if he takes any time off of work.

I've been reading Isaiah a lot lately, finding comfort in God's words, declaring that he is in control of everything. I have come to the conclusion that God has ordained even the struggles of my life. Things don't always look good to me. But I believe with my whole heart that God is good. And anything he asks of me, I will give, and I will try to give it gladly. Things don't look too good to me at the moment, but whether or not they are good, is for him to judge not me. Like the Israelites, God has asked many things of me that have not made sense and the results were not at all what I expected.

Alex and I still pray together every day that God would miraculously give Alex a full time job at Owens sooner than expected. We are in a standstill, but we still believe.

Part Nine: The Interview and the Wait

Two years after God told us Alex would work full time at Owens, Alex finally had his interview, his interview for the position that was not supposed to exist, and for which he should not be qualified. Several other people were applying for the position, some of whom were Alex's good friends. On his way into his interview, he met his friend Tony coming out from interviewing. Alex was shaken. He hated to think about competing with his friends. He was just trying to focus on doing what God had lead him to.

His interview went extremely well. When he got home, he was not so sure it had gone well, because it was not at all what he had prepared for. But as he told me about it, I knew he had been remarkable. And that evening, his friend Charlie who had been on the hiring committee, texted him and told him that he nailed the interview. Now he just had to wait. The choice was based on 3 factors: a welding test, the interview, and qualifications like education and job experience. Alex knew that two of the other candidates were higher qualified than he was. So, we waited.

We waited a long time. It was a difficult time to even know how to think. Here we had this promise from God that we had faith in. But also, we had experiences where things had not happened the way we thought they would. We were trying so hard not to think. We expected to hear before the end of the semester, but Winter Break came, and then we knew we would not hear until after Christmas. Then the next semester started, but still we had not heard.

Finally, the result came. Alex had tested the best, and interviewed the best, but because of one qualification Alex was missing, his friend Tony came out ahead. Still, there was a little hope. Tony had told Alex that he might not accept the job even if it were offered him, because it would be a huge cut in pay from where he was currently working.

So, we waited. We waited while Owens and Tony went back and forth arguing over the contract. I'm not sure how long this went on, it may only have been just a few weeks, but it felt like months. It was agonizing.

I was angry that Alex was not the first choice for a job I believe God created for him, but I was ready for this to be our Lazarus story. I fully expected God to show up "3 days late" and hand the job to Alex. I felt that, the first time around, I was Mary throwing herself at Jesus' feet, crying, "Where were you?" But this time around, I felt that Alex and I were standing in the tomb over Lazarus' dead body. We could hear our friends and family mourning the loss outside, but we were standing there, waiting for Lazarus to get up. Then, I felt God speak these words to me, "Get up, dry your tears, and come and meet me on the road, because I am almost there." I was so excited. I sent an email to a friend, saying "Lazarus just twitched!"

Well, then Tony accepted the job. Apparently Owens did not offer him what he wanted, but he took it anyway, deciding to work 2 full time jobs. We were bewildered. Alex took it graciously, saying Tony was his friend and an excellent teacher, and he bore him no hard feelings. But we both began to lose faith in our ability to hear God's voice.

Part Eight: That Damn Dam!

I had a vision that I was standing in front of a dam. Behind the dam I knew there was this great rushing water and it was God and all his plans. I was standing in this dry valley, sobbing, just begging God to break down the dam. I shared this with Alex. He said he felt the same way, but he was going at it with a pick ax, screaming. We both felt that we knew the plans God had for us, but we just could not get there. We were stuck in this place where our hands were tied, and we could not do anything. I knew that as soon as that dam broke, I would be carried away in a delightful chaos of God's plans for us.

When we knew that Alex was again going to be qualified for this position that God had promised him, we felt that the concrete of that dam was rumbling and cracking, and we were waiting in the still moments before it burst apart.

Alex had a dream that we were standing in a field watching a storm roll in. And in the dream, there were these words, "we're going to get wet." It wasn't a scary storm, it was the thrill of a great rain after a draught.

It was late last fall, and Alex had collected everything he needed for his application. He submitted it, and we waited, knowing that the head of the department planned to have someone chosen by December. What had been taking years, now seemed to be moving so fast.

Part Seven: Lazarus

Alex and I continued fasting for an entire year. I fasted from deserts and Alex fasted from lunches. After that year, the position at Owens was still not filled. They could not find anyone with a four year degree qualified to teach welding. This did not come as a huge surprise to anyone in the welding program, as anyone with a 4 year degree would not have been a welder as their primary vocation, since there is no 4 year degree in welding.

Since they hadn't been able to fill the position, we still had a faint glimmer of hope. Around this time, our friend Sammy preached a sermon at our church about Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead 3 days late. His sermon was about God raising our dead hopes and bringing our faith back to life. Needless to say, it hit home hard.

In the story of Jesus raising Lazarus, when Jesus arrives 3 days late, Lazarus' sister Mary meets Jesus on the road and throws herself at his feet, crying "If only you had been here!" That had been me for the last few months. Every day, I was falling at God's feet crying, "Where were you?! We did everything you said, we followed you, and at the last minute, you didn't show!"

So, that fall they opened the job again, dropping the degree requirement to an Associates. Alex had not completed his Associates yet but he was close. So he went in and met with an advisor to see if there was any way to get that degree. Well after trying several options, they were able to create a degree that was divided between welding and photography, and he had exactly the right number of credits... down to a one credit hour Tai Chi class that filled his last elective. It was miraculous. Alex was now qualified again!

At this point, Alex had everyone he knew praying for him, even people who don't pray. He had a conversation with a friend at work that went like this:

Alex: Dude, you gotta pray for me!

Friend: I don't pray.

Alex: Well you gotta pray for me!

He had that conversation every day, until the friend started praying. Alex told his story to everyone he came in contact with, asking them to pray. It was a very exciting time.

Part Six: Enter Eden

When Alex started teaching, we were shocked at how much he was making. He was teaching 2 evening classes, and making almost as much as at his full time job. It was more than we expected. He had never been told an exact figure when he started, and there was no hourly rate on his pay check. So, we were just pleasantly surprised. Well, that surprise was less than pleasant when we found out that the payroll department had made a mistake, and had been paying him for 3 classes not 2.  We found out at the end of the semester, and we had to pay the money back. So, they took it out of his paychecks for the next semester. So, in order to pay it back, Alex took on 3 classes, in addition to taking some classes.

So Alex was working more, being paid less, and I was due to have Eden that semester. It was a very difficult time. Alex was never home, and when he was, he was working. I had pregnancy complications that made it very difficult to care for Micah. And we were financially strapped, so I could not afford to get help or even go anywhere. I ended up being induced over spring break so that Alex could be there.

After I had Eden, I battled postpartum depression. It was a very difficult time. Literally every day I would fall on my knees begging God for there to be a better plan. I prayed that a job would open that fall, and they would lower the requirements so Alex could be qualified. I begged this every day. While I would not voluntarily sign up to go through that again, I would never give up the things I learned in that time of desperation. Even though I look back on it and still shudder a bit, I value it greatly.

Well, fall came, and Alex got a phone call from his welding instructor, Charlie. He excitedly told Alex that Owens had finally approved another full time teaching position for the welding department. At first Alex got excited, but then remembered that he was nowhere near qualified. He pointed this out to Charlie and Charlie said, "I know, I just felt that this was good news for you."

Alex and I were both very excited. In our heads we knew it did not mean anything yet, but in our hearts, we both felt God was telling us that this job was for Alex.

God had done the first half of what I asked, so Alex and I both started fasting, praying that they would drop the qualifications. A couple months later, the union stepped in and said that Owens could not create a teaching position that none of their part time instructors were qualified for, they had to drop the requirements. Alex was going to be qualified! That semester, Alex took every certification class he could get into, to pad his resume with more qualifications. When they started accepting resumes, Alex went to submit his, and it would not go through because he did not have the 4 year degree. Somehow, Owens had been able to reinstate that requirement. We were crushed, but still determined. God had moved enormous mountains. He could do it some more.

Part Five: Veggie Lessons

During this whole time, some of the most profound lessons Alex and I have learned came through animated vegetables. Seriously, Veggie Tales has taught me a lot in the last few years. Buried in the silly acting of Bible stories, there are some profound sermons. I suppose this should not come as a huge surprise, given that the basis for these videos is the Bible. However, it came as a surprise to me.

At the time, and I give God the credit for this, Micah's favorite videos were "Gideon: Tuba Warrior," and "Josh and the Big Wall."

Now Gideon is my favorite. Gideon receives a ridiculous command from the Lord, and tests it to see that it is really God. He never seems to worry about what God is saying, only that it is in fact God. Once this is established, he sets out to take a tiny army against the enormous army of Midianites. Then, God tells him to cut down his army. He cuts it down, then God tells him to cut it down again. Left without enough men to even put up a fight, Gideon takes his men with horns and torches, and manages to confuse the Midianite army into fighting each other. Gideon stepped out, looking absolutely ridiculous, having faith that God would show up and back him up. So many times, I have felt that, by following God's voice, I've put all my dignity on the line, believing that God will back me up. Actually, this is one of those times, as I am taking this story as public as I know how, and at this moment that I am writing, it looks like God left me hanging high and dry.

Anyway, in the Veggie Tales telling of Gideon, my favorite part is when the angel says to Gideon, "It's not your job to defeat them, it's God's. Your job is to believe that he will do what he says." Now, Micah watched this video several times a week. And it usually came on days that I needed to hear that particular line.

The next video was "Josh and the Big Wall." This tells the story of Joshua and the Israelites, after they wandered in the desert 40 years and reached the promised land, and they found the land occupied. On finding this, they had many different plans of how to fix things themselves, and many of them wanted to just go back to slavery. God, however, had other plans. He instructed them to march around the city of Jericho once every day for 7 days, and on the 7th day to blow trumpets while they marched, then when they finished, to give one long blast, and the walls of the city would collapse. Can you imagine how embarrassing? And to top it off, the French peas stand at the top of the wall hurling insults and grape slushies at them.

My favorite part of this story is when the Israelites basically say, "Heck, no!" And Junior Asparagus runs out from narrating and yells at them all. He recounts all the things God has done in the past that did not make sense at the time, but proves that God has always come through and done what he said.

So, next time your faith needs a boost, I highly recommend a little Veggie Tales.

Part Four: The Wilderness/Holding God's Hand

The time that has followed God changing our plans, Alex and I have been able to relate to almost every major Bible story. Every story in which a person is following a promise from God, we plug ourselves into it, and the story comes alive to us.

My favorite passage in the Bible is Deuteronomy 8, where God explains the Israelites' time wandering in the desert. I've been in this place so many times. It is the story of a loving God, who rather than letting his people choose their own plan, brought them out into the desert to wait. I believe God has a story for each of his people to be a part of. And I'm thankful, that in my case, as with the Israelites, he did not bless my plans but made me wander until I sought out his plan.

This little snippet from Deut. 8:3, sums up my whole relationship with God, "...causing you to hunger, and then feeding you..." I don't know about everyone else, but I don't look for God until I'm hungry for something. And I'm so glad he holds back and waits for me to keep getting hungry, instead of moving on without me, letting me continue going in the wrong direction.

As soon as Alex knew God wanted him to teach full time at Owens, he did what we all do, he tried to figure out how to make it happen. At the time, a bachelor's degree was necessary (even though there is no bachelor's in welding), and Alex had never even finished his Associates. He had state certifications, which were what really mattered for getting a job in a trade. So, Alex made a plan to pursue a 4 year degree. The plan was that he would work 2 jobs and go to school for the next 10 years. Then, he would wait until there was an opening, which there hadn't been in 20 years.

I did NOT like this plan. I did not feel that Alex missing his kids' childhood and not being a present father could ever be what God was asking him to do. I begged Alex to really seek God on this. I said that if God had really called him to teach full time, then God (not Alex) would make it happen in a way that did not destroy his family in the process.

Alex started to pray more than he ever had before, seeking directions from God. And he heard God say very clearly, "If you are holding my hand, you don't need directions." When he told me this, I thought of our small son, Micah. Micah would hold my hand everywhere we went. He never worried about where we were going, but I would tell him where we were going so that he could get excited about it. Alex and I had the profound revelation that God tells us things, not so we can make them happen, but so we can anticipate them, and see that it is him when they do happen.

Part Three: Fire, Metal and Faulty Lungs

Alex's first welding class was taught by the most inspiring man he has ever met, and he fell in love with the process. Alex seems to have an unexplained God-given gift for welding. I keep hearing that he is the best welder anyone has ever seen. It has not been uncommon for something to come easily to Alex, but this was uncanny. Through welding, Alex discovered a passion for the basic process of things. Now, in addition to doing all his own home and car repairs, he presses cider, hunts, makes soap, you name it. The man can make, fix or build anything.

Alex and I plunged into adulthood head first. In less than a year, I graduated from college, launched my photography business, got married, bought a house, and got pregnant. Life was fun and exciting, and after dating for 7 years, we loved living a life of constant change. We had big plans. I was going to build up the photography business until it was profitable enough for Alex to quit welding and work at home with me. We were going to have a ton of kids, live in the country, working together and schooling our kids together.

Then, at the beginning of my third trimester, Alex's lung collapsed while he was sitting down at work. It was a shock, but after a short, pleasant hospitalization and the draining of our savings, we went back to life as normal. A month later, it happened again. Now he needed lung surgery, a longer more miserable hospital stay, and two months off of work, no pay. I was 7 months pregnant, and it was a very difficult experience, one you do not prepare for in your first year of marriage.

God provided for all our bills to the dollar. Things did not happen the way we expected. People we expected to help us were nowhere to be found. But God was so faithful. Random acquaintances of ours reached out and did great things for us. We got checks in the mail from the oddest places.

We came out of it with all our household bills paid and our needs met. However, there were medical debts, our savings account was liquidated, and we were about to have a baby. We needed to come up with more money than we were making. Alex's great inspiring welding instructor called and said he wanted Alex to come and try teaching a class. It turned out that he could teach just 2 nights a week and add 50% to our income. It was great!

Alex came home from his first class glowing. He looked at me and said, "Ali, this is what God made me for. I know I am supposed to teach full time."

I was ticked. That ruined all my plans. I'd been working my tail off to build a business for us, so that we could work together at home. That was our dream! But I knew Alex well enough to know that when he is sure of something, it is right. If Alex knew God had another plan for us, then I was sure it would be good. I didn't like it, but I believed I would.

Up until that point, I had great plans for everything I was going to do with my life to glorify God. And I thought that because I planned it for him, he would bless it. I never asked him if they were his plans for me. And when the thought occurred to me, I shrunk back in fear. I was attached to all my plans and did not want God to take them away. Even though experience had taught me that God has only ever taken something from me so that he could give me something better in its place.

Part Two: Enter Alex

Continuing with the back story, Alex and I met in 5th grade. He came with his friend Joey to my church for Pioneer Clubs. I was the one girl in a class of 13 boys, and less than affectionately dubbed "the endangered species." I hated that class. I was a shy kid, and while I appreciated my fair share of attention, all eyes on me was my worst nightmare. I was tormented and teased constantly by these boys. The adults told me that they all just had crushes on me, but I knew they were just trying to make me feel better about the miserable truth that no one could change. It turns out, looking at old photos, I was a pretty cute kid, and they may have been right. I distinctly remember Alex from those days, because he did not pay much attention to me, and the attention he did give me was friendly. Somehow, Alex's parents succeeded in what so many other parents could never do. They raised boys who were nice to girls. Alex had no sisters, but had younger girl cousins. Playing with girls was considered a privilege, for which you had to behave yourself.

Jumping ahead, my family moved on from that church, and Alex continued attending occasionally with his friend. In 7th grade, he gave his life to Christ and became more passionate about God than anyone I had met my age. At that same time, I began attending the youth group of my former church with my-now-sister-in-law Natalie. We made good friends with Alex and his brother Aaron, never dreaming we would marry them.

I distinctly remember the first time I felt any attraction for Alex. He had fairy wings on his back, and the youth pastor's toddler on his shoulders, tearing around the church yelling, "We're on fire!!! We're on fire!!!" The little boy was laughing as only a toddler can. All the other jr. high boys were insecurely trying to be cool. Alex was just fun.

Shortly after that, Alex developed a crush on me. He was very open and enthusiastic about his feelings for me... It was so embarrassing. I liked someone else, someone not half as nice as Alex. I remember pouring my heart out to my mom like the immature teenager I was, saying how I felt so bad that I didn't like him, because he was so nice. After a few weeks of this, she finally lost patience, and said, "Well then why don't you like him? Nice wears well over time!" Which was funny, considering I was supposedly not allowed to date anyway. Shortly after that, I went with him to his 8th grade graduation dance, and my parents stopped saying I was not allowed to date. I remember my mom saying something to the effect of, "They hang out together at church, he loves her and she loves him. We can put restrictions on what name we give it, but if it looks like a duck and quacks, you might as well call it a duck."

Anyway, long story short, Alex became the most incredible friend I ever had. And after he grew a foot and lost the round face, round glasses and little boy haircut, every girl I knew wished they could be with him. He and I never broke up. We dated through high school. Then we went to college together for photography, but realized that growing our own business into something profitable would take longer than we wanted to wait to get married. So, Alex flipped through the Owens class catalogue, came to the welding page, said, "Fire... Metal... Sounds cool!" And that begins this story...

Part One: The Most Important Ounce of Welch's Ever!

In order to start this story, I will begin with a little background. As this story is really about hearing God's voice, I will start with the first time I did. It was a Sunday, communion Sunday to be precise, and I was 5 years old. Now in our church, it was considered sinning against Jesus' body for anyone to take communion who had not accepted Jesus into their hearts as Lord and Savior. As I was 5 years old, and our church services were very long, I had gotten very hungry, and quite parched. Whatching those tiny grape juices being passed around was more than I could take. So, I told my mom that I was ready to accept Jesus into my heart. It was maybe the worst reason ever for getting saved. But my mom was very excited, not knowing that really it was discomfort in my stomach, not my spirit that lead me to commit my soul to God. She lead me into the lobby, and we sat in a quiet corner under the coat hangers. She lead me through a prayer to accept Jesus into my heart. That was September 16th, 1990, and my mom has celebrated the day every year since.

You want to know the cool think about that day? I don't remember drinking that grape juice. I do, however, remember on the way home, sitting in the back of our car (this hideous gold woody wagon boat of a car) full in my spirit, listening to God's voice. My mom remembers it because she asked me what I was thinking, and I told her God was speaking to me. She thought I was pretending and asked me what he was saying. I told her that he was telling me how much he loved me, and then told her I was going to go listen some more. I don't know about you, but I do not remember a lot about being five. But this memory is clear. It is the day that I knew God's character, not the one I was taught about for the next several years, but the One who I love and who still speaks to me now.

Introduction

Our Story

Alex and I have been part of what we feel is an incredible story the last couple years. The story is far from complete. To be truthful, it is sort of in its low point as I write this. However, God has done such amazing things and told us of even more amazing things ahead. We have told our story to many of our friends. But I find that, in this low point, we have stopped telling it. When we stop telling of the things God has done and is doing, it becomes increasingly difficult to see them. And as I have been watching all these things God has said to me unfold in front of me, my thought (and I know Alex shares it) is, "people need to hear this!"

I've debated for years about a good way to share this. I love to write, and I write more clearly than I speak. But to make my spiritual journey into a book seemed more than a little presumptuous. On the flip side, neither Alex nor I are gifted speakers, as I'm sure our friends who have heard us tell the story can attest to. If you've seen When Harry Met Sally, and can recall the elderly couple telling their story, interrupting each other left and right, finishing each other's sentences... well, that's Alex and me.

So, I've decided to blog our story, and release it in parts. This way, when God comes through with the last pieces, I can add them on seamlessly. As I begin this, I have already written the first 10 segments, hoping that by the time I post them all, there will be something worth adding.

I do not assume that what I have to tell will interest a lot of people. But I feel that God is pushing me toward sharing it. Maybe someone will be encouraged by our story, or maybe the telling of it is purely for my benefit. Either way, I'm putting it out here, for the Internet public to read or not read as they please.