Job Month

Something that has been on my mind a lot in the last few weeks, is what God says to Satan at the beginning of the book of Job... "Have you considered my servant Job?" He actually recommends Job for Satan to try his best to take him down. Now, from one angle, this seems horribly cruel. But this bizarre idea has been at the back of my mind lately, and that is what an honor! The reason I say that, is that I've been compared to Job this month. Now, I've not gone through half of what Job experienced. The only real comparison, is that enough has happened this month to tell the whole world Satan has a problem with my family. And my thought to that is, what an honor! What an extraordinary compliment!

It all started at the beginning of the month on Sunday. That night I came down with the stomach flu. I was in pain, a LOT of pain. So much pain Alex almost took me to the hospital. He called off work the next day (luckily he has paid sick time at his new job... this comes in handy a lot in this story), and I laid in bed whimpering all day. I recovered, life went on.

Thursday, it was the first day I felt well enough to go out in the morning and take care of the chickens instead of waiting for Alex to get home from work. My poor chickens had been sadly neglected, and had dumped their waterer. They were parched, and as soon as I opened the door they rushed at me to greet me and peck the snow off my boots. The feathered mob escaped the coop, and I was stepping over them trying to get around the side of the coop to their little door to the run to let them all in there. In the process, I tripped over a chicken and fell out of the coop. It is about a 2 foot drop, and I landed on the side of my foot and heard a crunch. Then, pain, oh my!

I crawled/hobbled through the snow back to the house, crawled across the house gasping, and my 5 year old son set me up on the couch with pillows, blankets, ice, a glass of water and a movie, and called Alex to tell him to come home quickly. The rest of the day was driving around getting x-rays and telling my crazy story to medical professionals. And I was fully appreciating the humor of the situation. It was confirmed that my ankle was fractured, and I came home in a boot with crutches.

Before I even had a chance to worry about how I was going to take care of my children, my family and friends from church had set up meals and people to come stay with me while Alex was at work. I felt so blessed! Stupid, clumsy, and painfully sore, but very blessed.

That weekend there was a conference going on at our church with an amazing speaker who has a healing gift. I had been very excited to go, because this man tells amazing stories that are incredibly inspiring. Now I was even more determined to go, given that there was a chance to experience healing. I didn't like being "the girl with the crutches" at a healing conference, because that was not really the reason I wanted to be there, but it was still great. The stories were wonderful, people prayed for me, we went home.

That night, I had pain in my back and abdomen. At first I attributed it to feminine issues, but it just kept getting worse. By morning, I couldn't get out of bed. But staying home from church where people are getting healed because you are sick just didn't make sense to me. So, I took some motrin, tylenol, then tylenol 3 with codeine, and finally dragged myself out to the car. I was pretty out of it, but still enjoyed the worship and stories. A wonderful friend of mine rubbed my back throughout the service while I was doubled over. Some people prayed over me, but I did not hang around long.

When we went home, I went back to bed. At this point the pain was under my ribs and I was worried. Alex called my doctor who prescribed a muscle relaxant. At that point, a friend of ours randomly showed up at our house. Now we live in the sticks, nowhere near anything. No one just shows up at our house. It was perfect. Our friend stayed with the kids and me, so Alex could go out and get my prescription. He did, I took the muscle relaxant and waited. Nothing. I kept praying and every time I did, I felt a small voice urging me to go to the hospital. So, I told Alex it was time to go. He made arrangements for the kids and packed us all up.

In the ER, they hooked my up to an IV and put me on toridol, which still did nothing for the pain. Even though I was registering very high levels of pain, I was inexplicably relaxed, and really not miserable. They did chest x-rays and blood work, and came back with wide eyes, saying over and over that it was a good thing I came in. I had acute pancreatitis, inflammation of the pancreas. Pancreatic enzyme levels are supposed to be 200, whatever that means, and mine were 23,000. I inferred by the doctor's facial expression, that that is really bad. They admitted me, started me on IV fluids and dillaudid (8x stronger than morphine), and ordered a CT scan, ultrasound, MRI, and a lot more blood work. 3 days without eating, and my blood work showed things were returning to normal. I was able to get off the pain meds and go home. A couple weeks later, a lot more tests, and no cause for the pancreatitis has been found. But we've seen inside my body and discovered I am remarkably clean and healthy. I guess doctor's don't have spiritual attack on their list of common causes for organ disorders.

I actually had a lovely stay in the hospital. I rested well, my kids were well cared for, and a lot of people came in to pray for me while I was there. However, the second night, my oldest son, Micah, came down with the stomach flu. He was very sick, and it broke my heart to be away from him. Also, my breastfed baby, who had never had a bottle in his life or been separated from mommy, was really missing me, and I him. The next evening we were able to get all our kids rounded up and go home. Finally, we all got into our own beds, ready to hole up and rest for a few days. An hour after we all fell asleep, Micah started vomiting again. Being pretty useless with broken ankle and weakened body, I stroked Micah's back while he vomitted into the bathtub, and my husband cleaned up the trail of puke from Micah's bed to the bathroom. Alex got everything cleaned up and all of us back in bed (father of the year!). An hour later, I heard Alex yelling from Micah's room for me to come quick, and knew something must be very wrong. When I got there, I saw a rash covering Micah's body that looked like popcorn, and as I looked, I could see it spreading. Alex packed him up in the car and rushed to the ER, afraid our boy was going to go into anaphylactic shock. He got their quickly, and Micah was seen right away and given steroids and an antihistamine. The ER doctor explained the rash as being caused by an overflow of antibodies from the virus. Micah was sent home almost as good as new.

Now, throughout this story, Alex's phone broke, our fridge broke, and our washing machine broke (all of which are pretty new)... just some interesting little extras.

Finally, we were all home for real. The next morning, Alex slept in, then went to work late, and a friend of mine came to stay with us, braving the stomach flu, for the next two days to help. All kinds of wonderful friends and family brought us meals and came to help me with the kids so Alex could go to work.

Two days after getting out of the hospital, our well pump was not working. We had no water. My father in-law, electrician extraordinaire, came to fix the problem. He fixed something, and the water was working. But the next morning, it was off again. I went to the breaker box and flipped the breaker. I heard sizzling behind the box, so turned it off and left it off. I sent my friend who was staying with me to get buckets of water from the neighbor for flushing the toilet and we roughed it for a day. That evening my father in-law came to replace the breaker and found that everything behind the box was scorched and melted. He said that to cause that kind of damage, the temperature had to be well over a thousand degrees, and it was nothing short of a miracle that our house did not catch fire (praise God!). He went out and got everything to fix it, then stayed and worked late into the night to get everything running again.

After that whole fiasco, Alex came down with the stomach flu. At that point we had already spread it to both our moms, and I cancelled my help for the week to stop the spread of germs. It was a difficult week. However, I became incredibly skilled at hopping on one foot and doing this silly looking shuffle on one foot. That workout combined with using crutches and not eating for a week after the pancreatitis burned off the last few pounds I had from my pregnancy with Declan... a difficult way to lose weight, but I will take my silver linings where I can get them.

Here we are at the end of the month, and it has been quite a ride. I am now able to walk on my ankle (still have the boot), and the only physical ailments we can complain of are a couple colds. All in all, I feel extremely blessed. I could come up with plenty to complain about, but that would be ridiculous. God provided for every need completely, so why would I step out of this extraordinary place of grace in order to complain and agree with Satan? I would rather just enjoy.

I also find it as no coincidence that this month many important decisions are being made at Owens about when one of the full time welding instructors is retiring and what the process for hiring will be, with Alex being acknowledged as a primary candidate for the next position. I take all the events of this month as confirmation that things must be happening in our favor. 

Small Miracles

This month I had one of those awful moments where you would give anything to back up time just one second. In this age of technology, we get so used to the ability to undo our last move. So, in the physical world, it is a brutal realization when that cannot be done. And sometimes there is a great cost for a split second of stupidity.

We heat our house primarily with wood. My husband and I spend a great deal of time cutting, hauling and stacking wood. We have gotten all of it for free, when the city is cutting trees down, when people are thinning their woods, cleaning out dead wood, cutting down diseased trees. It is a lot of work, but saves us a lot of money and having a constant glowing fire in our living room adds unquantifiable enrichment to our home.

I was adding wood to the fire, as I do countless times a day. I stacked it all in there with nice gaps for the air to flow and keep the fire burning hot. As I went to close the airtight glass door, a corner of a log was sticking out just a little too far. Now, I have gotten into a habit, which until now never occurred to me as a stupid habit... And that is that when the logs don't fit, I give the door a shove... the small, light logs give way to the heavy door, and everything fits. Well, not this time. I pushed the door, heard the crunch of glass, and instantly the entire door was a spider web of broken glass.

My husband and I live quite comfortably on a small income. But every January, it's a little dicey. Christmas expenses, then a month off of teaching and the income that comes with it, and we pay our property tax out of pocket every 6 months, which of course is due in January. A little planning and saving and a lot of God's favor and we always have what we need, but there is usually a moment of panic. It is NOT a time for stupid expensive mistakes.

Thankfully my husband has grown accustomed to living with a clumsy person, and is very gracious. I have often joked with him that the benefit of living with someone as clumsy as myself, is that you get to witness God's provision so much more.

Well, it was the Friday before the holiday weekend. I knew that whatever I did not accomplish toward fixing this door, would have to wait until Wednesday. And when you are talking about your primary source of heat, there's a sense of urgency. I called the company of the stove, which happens to be out of Canada. There is no model number to be found without actually removing the fireplace from the wall, so no one could really help me. I called local stove shops, my chimney sweep, I spent the whole day online and on the phone. All day I felt jittery and nervous, afraid that I was going to find out that the solution would be beyond our finances.

Every time I walked into my living room, I could not pull my eyes away from that shattered door. I kept silently pleading with God, but feeling silly asking him to heal my door. Finally, out loud, I said, "Jesus, please heal my door." Instantly I laughed at myself and how foolish I felt. "This will never work, I'm not praying with any faith at all!" Immediately I felt God's voice say, "As if your lack of faith could stop me."

I got that shuddery, goosebumpy feeling all over. You know, when you feel like you just shrunk to the size of a cockroach... but it's so good. I love feeling put in my place by the Almighty King of the Universe.

After looking at new doors and pieces of tempered glass online that no one could tell me which one I needed, and pricing whole new furnaces, I was directed by my chimney sweep to a little local shop. It is one of the only places still around that custom cuts glass for stoves. I called them, found out I could bring in my door right then and they would cut the glass and fit it into the door for me. It cost $159, which is a hefty chunk of change for a small piece of glass, but SOOO much cheaper than a new fireplace.

Here is the incredible part. While waiting for my glass to be cut, I got the notice for my property tax that was about to be due. In the time that we have lived in this house, it has always been about $1000, and that is how much I had set aside. This six months though, it was miraculously $817. And God said, "Ha!"

The Dam Revisited

Earlier I shared the vision I had of standing in front of a dam, begging God to break it down, knowing that all of his plans for me were behind it. I was anxious and frustrated waiting around, knowing what God had called me to, and unable to get there. I couldn't wait to be carried away in the rush that would come when God's promises were fulfilled.

Since then, we have had an incredible year. It has been peaceful, full of joy and contentment... also full of small trials that, combined with a slow, peaceful pace, God has used to teach us contentment and stewardship.

Now, I still feel like I am standing in front of this dam, but I'm in no hurry. I am patient and only a little anxious that I am not quite prepared. I feel equipped, I've got the tools I need to navigate the rush, but I'm not confident that I have the strength and discipline to hold onto them. 

New Job

Alex got a new job this year.

When God called Alex to work full time teaching at Owens, I had other plans. They did not involve him working 2 jobs for years. It has been difficult to feel like he is always stretched and missing so much. However, he continues to teach part time, because it is what he has been called to do. And I have felt very blessed that I can be home with my kids because he works two jobs.

What really has been most difficult about this, though, is that his full time job was so miserable. It started out as an incredible place to work. And over several years of relational problems in the management, it continued to progress downhill, until it became a toxic and abusive environment. It got almost laughably bad.

It was such a struggle for Alex to go every day to a job where everyone was yelled at, cussed out, blame was thrown around haphazardly, and common sense and reason had completely abandoned the building. Pay, hours and benefits were cut, and you started to wonder how it could get worse before the whole place would just combust. It was hard for him to go there every day, knowing he had been called to something else. We kept praying to see if God had a reason for him being there, but there seemed to be no opportunity for him to benefit anyone there.

He applied for some other jobs, and the results were bizarre and discouraging. Then one day, an old friend of his called him out of the blue and asked him to come work for him. Alex went in for an interview with no expectations, and told them that God had called him to work full time at Owens. He told them he could not promise them any amount of time at their company. He was totally honest. They offered him the job anyway, but could not give him health benefits for 90 days. That did not work for us, as I was a month away from giving birth.

After I had the baby, they called again and offered him the job. He started negotiating with them, but their initial offer was way below what he needed to make for us to afford the switch. He did not hear from them for a while, so he assumed it was another dead end.

As I was coming back to my job as children's pastor from my maternity leave, things were not quite right. I knew I was spread too thin and missing important things both at my job and with my kids. I asked God to fix it, and he told me that I did not need a title and a paycheck to do what he had called me to do. I could still serve and do all the parts of my job that he had called me into, without having a paid position that required more than that of me. It was amazing! Problem was, while I didn't need my paycheck to do God's calling, I did need it to pay our bills. I talked to Alex and told him I wanted to step down from my job. He took a deep breath, said it sounded like God, but there was no way we could cut my income from our budget. So, we agreed to start praying about how this was going to work. An hour later, Alex's friend called him back with a higher offer that, get this, to the dollar matched the difference of my income.

Not only that, Alex has now been working there for over 6 months, and it is a wonderful job! He is treated with a lot of respect, making great friends, and gaining all kinds of fascinating experience in a new area of his field. It is an incredibly satisfying experience to have God provide in the interim. To have everything we need and more, while we wait. 

Declan!

When I refer to the last year being one filled with peace, joy and God's teaching, it all starts with Declan. Declan is our third child and his arrival brought us peace.

As mentioned earlier, we were planning on having more children, but the timing was not good. Alex was still working a lot, and I was afraid to go through another pregnancy without him around to help. We were getting ready to move (another incredible God story), and Alex's company had cut most of his benefits so our health insurance was terrible.

Well, Alex and I both felt God was telling us that he wanted to send us another baby. We both heard it separately, talked to each other, and agreed to continue preventing until after the move. We told God we heard him and were open to whatever he had for us, but could not make that decision yet.

Well, haha, when we had that conversation, I was already pregnant.

After an extremely difficult pregnancy with Eden, my pregnancy with Declan was surprisingly easy. It was still challenging, but I felt protected and helped the whole time. Alex's job was steadily getting worse, and things were hard there... but we moved to our dream property in the country, and God was active in our home.

When Declan made his entrance into the world, it was quiet and calm. I had a fast, uneventful labor and delivery, and an hour after he was born, I was alone with him feeling great. This was amazing after the two previous deliveries being bizarre and scary.

The week following Declan's birth was the most refreshing week of my life. It was quiet and full of joy. Alex was home all week, and we had a week of all five of us resting at home together. We gardened, got baby chickens, and snuggled a lot. When it was over, I wished we could loop the week and go back and do it over and over. But it lead us into a peaceful summer. Declan was calm and sweet, but had a little colic. We all learned to be quiet and soothing around him. Every evening he would cry, and I would spend an hour or so walking around our property singing to him, or swinging on the porch swing with him. His presence changed the whole environment of our home.

Even now, Declan has a powerfully peaceful affect on people. He has brought joy to every member of our family. He is such a gift! And having been through two previous babyhoods, Alex and I fully appreciate how fleeting this time is. Our focus this year has been on sucking up every ounce of baby joy we can get ahold of.

I think we all know that the trick to being joyful is living in the season you are in with gratitude, not wanting what is not here yet, but just enjoying what you have... well, Declan took this thought from being empty knowledge to a full experience for us.

Been A While...

It has been a very long time since I have posted anything on this blog, and it is not because the story has fallen flat. God has been more active than ever. I am in no way disappointed or disillusioned. Instead, I am at peace and filled with joy and contentment. The thing is, I do not have any "explanation" for this story, which makes it harder to share. However, it has been gnawing at me that I have left this hanging. I started a story where God was the hero, then left it on the Internet as though he left me hanging.

Now, I could sum up everything that God has done in the last year in one long, dull post... but that seems pointless. I'm not here to tie up a loose end, defend God's reputation then move on. This is still a story. And while I don't even know how I feel about people reading it, I started it... and leaving it hanging does not sit well with me.

This has been the most amazing year of my life. I have been so blessed, heard God's voice more than ever, and learned so much that I am continuously in that place of awe and excitement... of epiphany. Like I said, I have no explanation for this story. I have no idea why God did not do things the way I thought he was going to. Truly, my mind baffles. However, I am genuinely happy that he did not. This year could not have been what it was had he done everything I had begged him to do, everything I thought he said he was doing. Now, do not get me wrong... I have no doubt that I heard him right. I have not lost an ounce of faith. I do not believe he told me something just to lead me down the right road. A lot of people have that explanation. You know, like the oracle in The Matrix who, rather than telling Neo the truth, told him what he needed to hear to do what he was supposed to do. I do not think God does that, at least not with me. He has no need to trick me into doing what he says. And frankly, I think that would be beneath him.

So, I am going to keep the story going. I'm going to share the chapters... because that's all I've got. I have no outline, no storyboard... I have no idea where this is going. But I can share the cool things that have happened.

Part Eleven: The Loss of Dignity Part

I know I said ten parts... this one got added along the way.

In the telling of my story, I noticed that I was leaving out all kinds of things that God had said to me. But, the fact of the matter was, I need to keep this a pleasantly readable length. As important as all the things God said to me that I didn't write, I think, are all the times I got it wrong. I never want to give the impression that this following God's voice thing is easy. This has been an incredibly embarrassing time for me.

Alex and I have tossed our whole life plan away, and trusted in an idea that God gave us, that we believe is a promise. This may seem like a very foolish thing to some. And I'll give those people some credit... things haven't always looked too good for us. However, when I look back on where we started, I see that I am not making this up.

Since we've put our whole life on the line, we have become desperate for God's voice. Which in all honesty, is a pretty awesome place to be... but very uncomfortable. I feel more comfortable believing that God has it all worked out, and is in control. But I hate not having the plans. I'm so tired of moving forward and watching the faith of everyone around me fade, when the things I believed, don't happen.

I mentioned that we were desperate for God's voice. Has anyone ever noticed that if you think you are hearing God, and you wait and do nothing, you don't hear anything again for a while? Alex and I became determined that we were going to move on every inkling and not lose any opportunity to get closer to God's voice. This is where most of the embarrassment comes in... Once I drove my car where God told me and talked to a complete stranger. That actually turned out great, but Alex could tell you, making myself do that is like cutting off my own arm. It so goes against my nature that it is physically painful. Another time I actually showed up at a funeral, laid hands on the body, and told it to get up. Nothing happened. That surprisingly was not the most embarrassing thing I've ever done. Until now, Alex was the only person who knew about it, no one at the funeral knew me, I don't think any of them heard me, and I was careful not to make eye contact with anyone as I was leaving.

These are the stories that are not as fun to tell, but I think they are important. Behind every success story, I believe there are about 10 stories of failure. I certainly do not want to give anyone the impression that I think I've got it all figured out, or having any special ability. I'm just a person who has decided that life is only worth living if God is as real and big and powerful as I believe him to be.

One of my favorite quotes of all time is by George MacDonald, saying that before judging anyone for not believing in God, you should first determine whether their idea of God is one who ought to be believed in. My idea of God is so huge and incredible, that the only proper response is to throw away everything in pursuit of him, not just in experiences of him, but to get in on whatever he is doing.